The World Spins Madly On.
Well folks, it’s 1:30am here in Dayton, Ohio… I should be asleep by now. I have had very little sleep this past week with all of the madness that has been surrounding me. It has me questioning so much, and has me searching deeply for God’s guidance.
Since this past summer, and even a little before, I have been endlessly searching for my passion. The passion in which Christ has bestowed upon my heart – the way He has envisioned me to love His people. The way my Jesus has created me to use the precious talents He has given me to further His kingdom… It has been a battle of my own selfish desires and worldly influences. I admit that I have not sufficiently given Him my time and so much of my life. I kept wondering why things seemed harder than before – but I looked at it as a valley and I kept pushing through on my own. None of what I did made sense… I was just living. Just ‘going with the flow’ if you will. And sometimes that’s okay – but I have been repeatedly just living life day by day without any real motivation. I have been taking every breath for granted, thinking as if I deserve it and that it is just an automatic given that tomorrow is promised… I realized today how numb I have been to the world around me. I became so frustrated with everything. I have this problem with building things up in my life and creating a barrier – I didn’t want to deal with what was going on around me. I just put it aside and I guess tried to save it for a rainy day… but eventually I had no where else to put things at. So, instead of dealing with everything I just let it sit and collect dust. I let pain, and hurt and anger build up inside of me – but at the same time I tried to convince myself that none of that was effecting me – that I had already dealt with it and given it to Christ at the foot of the cross.
This probably sounds like such a ramble of stupidity. And it is.
I encountered Christ today. Face to face. I fell hard this time – and it was well deserved. I realized today that it’s okay to hurt – it’s okay to let human beings affect your heart. It’s not a sign of weakness… God created us to love eachother. We are human and we’re going to dissapoint eachother – we are not in any shape or form perfect. We make mistakes… but God’s grace is so good. It’s something I have overlooked for some time…
I didn’t want to deal with what was going on in my life… but I had to. In order to become the woman that Christ has created me to be – I had to deal with my past and let Him mend me back together. God broke me. Because of my life and what I have gone through… I have a hard time depending on others. For some crazy reason, I see it as a sign of weakness. To my ignorance, I put Christ in with the others – I didn’t depend on Him like I should have – like He created me to… Instead I just kept doing things my way. Oh and boy was that hilarious. I know Christ laughed so many times and He probably weeped as well… reaching for my hand, so that He could walk through the fire with me. Calling my name, trying to pick me up when I fell so many times… but I refused. I always thought that so many other people were going through tremendously worse things, and that He needed to take care of them before He took care of me… my problems were minute compared to so many others.
He probably wanted to shake all of my ignorance out of me at this point and just hold me as tight as He could – filling me up with wisdom and love…
A friend of mine kept me reminding me that it was okay to hurt… that everyone has bad days and it was okay to have a bad day. Why I couldn’t wrap my head around that is beyond me.
Today I fell in love with Christ all over again… His grace is truly sufficient for me. I fell into His arms tonight, embracing all that He is. Tonight I feel whole again. I feel… I feel. And I haven’t felt in such a long time.
Thank you Jesus, for never giving up on me.
